Last month we talked about the challenge of taking space. For those of us who have learned to make ourselves small and fit into the boxes that society expects of us, “taking space” isn’t as easy as “just do it.”

It is also near impossible to take space if the people around you – particularly those with leadership authority and decision-making power over your paycheck and promotion – aren’t actually making space. For better or worse, our lives and actions are inextricably tied.

If you’re reading this newsletter, I’m assuming you’re a well-intentioned person who genuinely wants to support the people you lead, and in your personal life, those you love. I’m also imagining that despite your best intention to make space for them, you miss the mark.

You’re not alone in the challenge. 3 things make it particularly difficult to make space:

1) We forget that making space requires change.

We don’t want to believe that we’ve benefited from norms that support us but have the impact of making other people small. We want to believe that we’ve been fair or good to the people around us. As a result, we fail to recognize that making space requires change – and requires us to change.

2) We hold onto a zero sum scarcity mindset.

It can feel like there’s only finite resources – so for someone else to take space, I have to give up space. Certainly, promotions and bonuses are set up that way. But what if unleashing someone else’s talent actually accelerated the innovation and collaboration that you’ve been working so hard for?

3) We think like us rather than like them.

We express support in the ways we can best receive it rather than in the ways that the other person can best receive it. By default, we treat them as we’d want to be treated, instead of asking them how what behaviors or practices best help them show up.

So, what can you do?

1. Make things about them rather than yourself. Do you know what the world looks like from their perspective? Do you know what supports them? If not, now is the time to ask.
2. Express intent, invite coaching. Based on your behavior so far, they may not know that you actually intend to support them. Say “I want to support you. I don’t always know how best to do that, so I’m hoping that what works/doesn’t work can be an ongoing conversation between us.”
3. Pass the mic. Sharing the stage and pointing the spotlight at someone momentarily isn’t enough. Lend your social capital to them and then get out of the way. Say, “I’ve invited Lena here today to present our team’s idea because she is the real brains behind the operation.”
4. ​Avoid faux delegation.Where can you delegate authority and decisionmaking to someone else to shape the way things work? Don’t just say you’re delegating. Actually back them and their decisions up in action.

Making space is hard. As it taking space.

But if we’re going to build workplaces, homes, and communities where each human being can thrive, it’s going to take each of us – doing both.

Elaine

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When you’re ready, here are three ways I can help…

1. ​Connect with me on LinkedIn for tips on leadership, communication, and navigating toxic workplaces weekdays at 9am ET.
2. ​Pre-order my book Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin 2024) – for yourself, or for someone you care about.
3. ​Hire me to speak virtually or in person.