When I first started teaching negotiation, I mimicked those who came before me. I had been told that you can only make a living teaching negotiation if you are White, male, and have a head of gray hair.

Here I was, none of those things, but with the opportunity of a lifetime. I better not screw it up, right? So, I learned to describe concepts and engage clients the way my colleagues did. Apparently, I did this so well that one client noted I had the same enunciation as one of my mentors.

No one told me explicitly that I should look and sound like my colleagues. But it was also clear to me that imitating them was the fastest way to gain acceptance and credibility in that context.

One day, a client requested me as the facilitator. I thought it was because I was good imitation of my colleague, just at a lower daily rate. The client said she didn’t want my colleague, she wanted me. She wanted the heart and insight I brought.
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I was shocked.

As we look around, there are plenty of models of what we think we should be. We ourselves may have ideas of what life should or should have looked like. And certainly, the voices telling us what we should be doing or how we should act are many.

The “shoulds” are not a figment of our imagination.

• Advertisements tell us the ideal body weight, complexion, way to dress
• In workplaces, certain behaviors are rewarded and others are penalized
• Well-intentioned people give us “constructive feedback” about how we need to change ourselves, often in order to be promoted or accepted.

So how do you manage the shoulds?

1. Interrogate the should. Where is the expectation and pressure coming from? What role do you want to let that expectation have in your life? Is it a healthy or unhealthy influence?
2. Celebrate difference. If we are all by nature different people, then of course, it would make sense that we would each move through the world differently. Why would there be any expectation that you’d be anyone but yourself?
3. Maintain boundaries. Who are you going to let speak into your life? Everyone and their mother have opinions about the way that things should be done. Whose voices will you take to heart, and which will you limit?

Internalizing and living shoulds can cause you to miss out on who you are and what you bring to the world. Resist the should of what you and your life should look like. Stop trying to be and sound like anyone but yourself.

The thing about trailblazing is that there’s no blueprint. The thing about living your own life is that it’s going to look different than anyone else’s.

You can be a poor – or even a great – imitation of someone else.

Or you can be beautiful, brilliant you.

Elaine

When you’re ready, here are three ways I can help…

1. ​Connect with me on LinkedIn for tips on leadership, communication, and navigating toxic workplaces weekdays at 9am ET.
2. ​Pre-order my book Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin 2024) – for yourself, or for someone you care about.
3. ​Hire me to speak virtually or in person.