All the 8th graders at my middle school got to put a quote under their yearbook picture. 250 characters to capture early teen wisdom and make a mark in the world. Since middle school seems to be all about embarrassing moments, here’s what I chose for mine:
“Good is never enough.”
Excuse me while I cringe at what my 13 year old self thought might be worth saying.
But the expectation of perfection profoundly influences how we use – or don’t use – our voices.
- How many times have we hesitated to say something because we weren’t sure if it was novel, value add, or worth taking everyone’s time?
- How many times have we typed or retyped the text to address an uncomfortable issue with a friend – only to delete and decide that it won’t be worth it?
- How often have we waited for “a better time” or “the right time” only to realize that time has passed?
If saying something and showing up requires perfection, then none of us would get to use our voices. Before we start beating ourselves up for having fallen into the trap of perfection, let me name two truths:
a) Perfection doesn’t exist. The people who seem perfect aren’t actually. Just ask their spouses, exes, friends or enemies. If we’re aiming for someone else’s standard, the target will always change. If we’re holding ourselves to a standard of perfection, we’ll never act.
b) You’re not making the pressure up. Particularly if you’re the first or the only in a context, it can seem like we have to be perfect. The bar is often (unfairly) higher for those of us who don’t hold dominant identities in an organizational system. When White cis men make mistakes in Corporate America, grace is far more quickly extended to them. They get more second chances.
At the same time, if we’re waiting until we can be perfect, we’ll never use our voices. Below are three myths about voice to avoid and one reality for us to consider.
- There is no perfect time. While there are better (everyone is well-rested, well-nourished, and has margin to spare) and worse times (in the middle of a crisis, when people are hangry, when already spread thin) to share your perspective, there is no perfect time to tell someone how their good intentions had a negative impact on you or that you need to hold a different boundary. Done is better than perfect.
- There is no perfect tone. If people tell you to stop being so angry or that you catch more flies with honey, consider whether and how they might be tone-policing you – and what you want to do about it. Women in particular have to navigate the competency likeability dilemma, and intersectionality only intensifies all the dynamics. Often we sound angry because we are angry. Or we sound disappointed, because we are. What would it look like if everyone was allowed to experience a full range of emotions?
- There is no perfect way. I am one of many leadership development consultants who have advice on ways to frame things that can help people hear your thoughts (for example: connect your advice to what’s in it for the other person). But instead of waiting to find the perfect way of sharing a thought, you can also manage how someone receives your message by sharing where you’re coming from. It might sound like “I could try to wordsmith forever, but I care enough about our relationship to make sure I share what’s really going on.”
Reality is that life is messy.
Voice – the process of sharing your thoughts and figuring out how you want to move through the world – is therefore also messy. But “not perfect” shouldn’t be the reason the world never gets to know who we are and what we have to offer.
To normalizing imperfection,
Elaine
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My debut book Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin 2024) will be out in the world in just over 30 days.
If you haven’t preordered it, I’d love if you would. Preorders help signal that there’s interest in the books from people like me and help other people discover it.
For the next 30 days, reader’s reflection journals, group discussion guides, and short digital courses are available for free with purchase of 3, 5, 10+ copies of the book. Grab a few friends or read and discuss it as a work team.
I hope this all supports your journey unlearning silence.
