It’s back-to-school season for many. It’s a time of transition. When I asked how people are managing their schedules to deal with the inevitable load of kids experiencing restraint collapse, testing out new rhythms, and pre-frontal cortexes still growing, someone replied: just say no!

It’s great advice. And it can be hard for many of us.

Why is it hard to say no?

Because we genuinely want to be helpful. We want to be liked. We’ve been taught to serve. We’ve been rewarded for turning ourselves inside out to pull heroics when no one else can. There’s identity mixed up in our responsiveness and ability to produce.

Some hard truths.

We all have limited capacity. Not just 24 hours in a day. But emotional, relational bandwidth.

There are people I’d love to have coffee with, be friends with, do life with. There are professional projects I want to take on, clients I want to work with, endeavors I’m pushing off to 2027. Because there’s often more we want to do than we actually have capacity for.

Not because we’re weak or incapable. Because we too have limits.

Need to say no? Here are 4 ways.

Some people will tell you, “No is a complete sentence.” You don’t need to justify your no. And yet in the process of unlearning always being on and available and worried about relationships, here are a few other options.

1. “I already have plans.” No one needs to know what the plans are. They could be getting into your pajamas early and watching your favorite show.
   
2. “I’m at (or beyond) capacity.” If we need me on this, we need to talk about what comes off my plate.
   
3. “I don’t see why this makes sense.” You’re signaling you’re open, but you need more context or a more compelling reason to be able to get on board.
   
4. Don’t respond. I realize this is controversial. My mother taught me the polite and responsible thing to do is to respond. And in existing relationships where I want to be in relationship, I’m not a fan of ghosting. AND, just because someone wants your time and energy doesn’t mean they get it. In the world of DMs, cold calls, slap pitches, it’s not possible to meaningfully reply to everyone and everything. Could you create an AI agent to reply? Absolutely. But if it’s your bot talking with my bot, is it really a relationship?
   

Wishing you all the nos you need to say in order to say yes to the things that matter most (which includes you, your health and sanity!)