If I’ve always been agreeable, won’t it be weird if I start disagreeing?

It will be weird. But not as weird as you think.

Why?

People aren’t thinking as much about you as you are about yourself.

The spotlight effect means we pay far more attention to ourselves than others pay to us. That makes sense. After all, we’re the ones who live with the consequences of our choices.

So will it feel weird to disagree with your manager or spouse when in the past you haven’t? Maybe. It will feel weird to you. But to others? They may or may not even notice.

If you’re thinking, “but Elaine, you don’t know my manager or my spouse….” Let me offer the following truth.

Disagreeing doesn’t mean being disagreeable.

We often conflate actions we take with who we are. If you disagree, you must be disagreeable. If you’re liked, you must be likable. Reality is more complex. You can disagree — and not be mean about it.

What does that actually sound like? Simply saying, “I see things differently…”

It makes sense that you would see things differently. You’re a distinctly different person than they are, with different experiences, expertise, role, identity, and vantage point. Seeing things differently isn’t a flaw – it’s the whole point of having more than one person on the team.

We need healthy debate to get to good outcomes.

If “debate” feels combative — like a dirty word you want to avoid — let’s break it down further. We need different perspectives to see the world more accurately. Leaders need input that doesn’t match their own to make sound decisions. Without it, they’re operating on skewed data.

Anything different initially feels weird.

Comfort is a sign of what’s familiar. Not of what’s good, right, or worthwhile. Weird is a sign of what’s new. Riding a bike. A new pair of shoes. And yes — offering a difference of perspective if that’s not what you’re used to doing.

Weird fades as you get used to it. As difference becomes the norm. Especially when it gets you to outcomes that make more sense, drive more revenue, and last longer because you’re deal with the real issues sooner.

Your Move

Pick one meeting this week. One moment where your default would be to stay quiet and let the moment go by because you’d be worried about being disagreeable. Instead, try: “I see it differently.” And then share how you see it.

Notice what happens. Notice also what doesn’t happen — whether they get defensive, whether there’s a blow up, whether it made the conversation richer, and the decisions better.

Was there a gap between what you thought would happen and what did happen?

Let’s me know!