Whether you’re sitting in a leadership meeting or in a 1:1 with your manager, there are times when speaking up can seem risky. If I bite my tongue and keep the thought to myself, we can all just move on with our lives. If I tell myself that the question running through my head is silly, then we can end the meeting and everyone tackle the next thing on our to-do lists.
Or so we tell ourselves.
And in a split second, the moment has passed.
Our decision to stay silent might even seem wise. After all, you leave with the relationship intact and can get to dealing with the million other things on your plate. Silence can be a strategy for survival, self-care, self-preservation, and more.
But our calculations as to whether it makes sense to speak up can also be skewed by the following:
1) Present bias — We focus on what we have to deal with right now rather than what happens as a result of our silence. The costs of staying silent happen on a different time scale than the costs of speaking up. If I speak up, I have to deal with their reaction and potential consequences right now. (Or as the toddlers in my life like to say, “RIGHT NOW!”) But if I stay silent, it seems less costly because I don’t see the negative impacts until weeks, months, or years later.
2) Self bias — We focus on the impact on ourselves rather than on the impact of those around us or the culture we want to build. Even for people who are or aim to be other’s focused, we are hard wired for survival. If I have the choice between incurring injury or no injury to myself, I’d typically choose no injury. In doing so, I forget the essential question: “who does my silence serve?”
3) We forget we have a choice. As I write in Unlearning Silence, “Often, silence is the path of least resistance. Too often, it seems the only path. Our habits around silence are so reflexive, we forget we have a choice. When you’ve learned to live with silence, you forget the possibility of what could be.” Choosing whether to speak up or stay silent is just that – a choice. They are choices we make in each meeting and each moment.
What will you choose? And how will your choices impact the people you lead and the cultures you’re building – at work, at home, and in your community? Because each of our choices shape the teams we lead and the world we’re co-creating.
With hope,
Elaine
When you’re ready, here are three ways I can help…
- Connect with me on LinkedIn for tips on leadership, communication, and navigating toxic workplaces weekdays at 9am ET.
- Order my book Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin 2024) – for yourself, or for someone you care about.
- Hire me to speak virtually or in person.
