So often when it comes speaking up or being heard, the advice boils down to some version of “just do it”. And that if you aren’t getting heard or getting the results that you want, it’s your problem – your deficiency.
Repeated enough, it’s hard for that message not to turn into “you are deficient.”
You need more courage. You need more confidence. You are the problem.
If you would just [fill in the blank], then we’d be able to promote you. Then we could have you take the lead at the client meeting. Then we can talk about the pay raise.
Courage, confidence, and any number of factors can be helpful. But they are not sufficient in getting heard. Whether we speak up comes down to calculation. Often subconscious and split second, but it’s real.
- Does it make sense for me to use my voice?
- What’s the risk of retaliation?
- Can I – and am I willing to – stomach the costs of speaking up?
If not, people resort to staying silent.
To be clear, this is inconvenient news for leaders who prefer to focus on what their people can change rather than what they themselves might need to wrestle with. Telling someone to have more courage or confidence keeps the onus on them, and gives well-intentioned leaders a pass. After all, it’s them that needs fixing.
But the good news about speaking up being based on calculation is that we can change the calculation for each other.
If you knew that when you said something the other person wouldn’t get defensive or retaliate, but would hear and appreciate you, how much more likely would you be to share?
Here are 3 things we can each do to make it more likely that people speak up:
1) Appreciate the risk – it may not feel risky to you to say something. After all, it’s second nature for you to speak up and people have responded well to you. But it takes energy, effort, and sometimes overcoming some deep-rooted experiences for someone to share their thoughts. The least you can do is say (and mean) “thank you for sharing”
2) Listen to understand – when someone shares feedback that catches us off guard or a perspective that initially doesn’t make sense to us, human nature is to be reactive and defensive. We know we should ask questions, but our questions sound more like interrogation than curiosity. If someone has taken the risk to share, don’t make them defend, prove, debate.
3) Utilize their preferred communication medium – if you’ve heard me any podcast, you know that the mediums we use to communicate either eases or creates additional barriers for someone to join the conversation. What medium makes it easiest for them to share? Consider: real time vs. asynchronous, talking vs. typing, audio, video, in person.
Courage can be helpful. But whether we share our thoughts, insights, expertise, and of ourselves depends on whether it seems to make sense to do so. And that’s a calculation that we can all influence. How will you change the calculus?
Elaine
When you’re ready, here are three ways I can help…
- Connect with me on LinkedIn for tips on leadership, communication, and navigating toxic workplaces weekdays at 9am ET.
- Order my book Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin 2024) – for yourself, or for someone you care about.
- Hire me to speak virtually or in person.
