While speaking at a conference last week, someone in the audience asked: what do you do when people make it really costly for you to speak up?
The lawyer in me wanted to ask for specifics.
The human in me could see the pain she was carrying.
The coach in me offered this:
1) Anchor to your bigger why – What matters to you more than immediate discomfort or the costs of speaking up? Is it making it better for the next generation? Is it a value of fairness and integrity? Why does it matter to you to speak up? Your why doesn’t make the costs disappear, but your why can put costs in perspective.
2) Contextualize resistance – Many a musician has said, “Haters are going to hate.” Is their resistance actually about you or is it systemic? Is it personal or is it part of the process? Knowing that resistance is a natural part of what researchers call “the voice cultivation process” means you’re less likely to be caught off guard or take resistance personally when it shows up.
3) Know what is your work – Whether we speak up can depend on how others show up. Biases and blind spots mean that there may not be anything you can do differently that would help the other person hear you. In the spirit of continuous improvement and learning, we can always be searching for what we need to change – that would finally get them to hear us. But what if it’s not you, it’s them?
Which leads us to when we are “them”.
If you want people (including your kids) to
- be candid with you
- give you accurate information
- enable you to make sound decisions
- innovate
- tell you what’s really going on before it’s too late
It is on each of us to reduce the real and perceived costs of speaking up – especially if you hold formal or informal leadership roles.
Imagine this: if when you shared your thoughts, you knew they would be well-received, taken seriously, and appreciated, how costly is it for you then?
That power – to receive, incentivize, hear, understand, acknowledge, appreciate, respect – to minimize the costs of speaking up for someone else lies with you.
Want more detail on how? Read Chapters 5 “How We Silence Others” and Chapter 9 “Stop Silencing People” of Unlearning Silence.
And make intentional choices. The people you lead will thank you.
Elaine
When you’re ready, here are three ways I can help…
- Connect with me on LinkedIn for tips on leadership, communication, and navigating toxic workplaces weekdays at 9am ET.
- Order my book Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin 2024) – for yourself, or for someone you care about.
- Hire me to speak virtually or in person.
